I was very ready to leave Earth.
I was screaming inside, pleading for help. I was wet with sweat, I hadn’t left my bed in days. What day is it? “Please take me. I can’t do this anymore.” I begged for help as I wept. “Please, please help me! I can’t stay here anymore I can’t do it!” I remember crying it out loud. In a bid to get through the day I tried to meditate, I was desperate for any sort of relief. I never really believed in it but I was beyond needing help I knew I wouldn’t last too much longer. Death felt like the only answer at the time. It wasn’t. I remember pleading to Mother Earth for help because she was the only higher power I believed in at the time.
I did a two-minute headspace meditation, in a desperate attempt at self-preservation. I couldn’t commit to anything longer. I cleared my eyes of the tears, sat up, and attempted to slow my erratic breathing. I was mid panic attack. I would try to deep breathe but my thoughts would blast through. “I can’t keep living like this, I want to die”. After too many years of internal torture I thought I was about to be homeless I couldn’t handle any more hurdles in life I wanted out.
Just breathe Jordan. Just breathe. In and out. Just breathe. An internal voice called. I started to slow down. My body started to cool down. My thoughts got quieter. I felt more peaceful.
My hands started to shake, my feet and teeth were going numb until all of my body started to pulsate. My skin felt like it had vibrational energy run through it. It was soothing, I felt a wash of calmness enter over me. Like a wave of love. I felt nurtured.
I completed the meditation, the internal vibration slowed down and I felt myself come back into awareness. I got up and had a shower. It turned my mood right around. My whole mindset changed from the suicidal thoughts I was having to finally feeling emotionally stable for the first time in months.
Ask and you shall receive. I had no idea someone or something was listening.
I had experienced my first healing. I wasn’t really even aware of it at the time. This was the start of my new life and I was pretty oblivious to it really.
The reason I started this page was purely to stop oversharing with my family and friends. To not alienate them while I work on myself. I had been going through the most significant changes in my life mentally and spiritually and I couldn’t contain my thoughts and emotions. It was like word vomit. I never expected to have such support and love come my way.
Majority of my adult life, I had struggled with deep-rooted anxiety and depression. I’d been diagnosed with bipolar, borderline personality disorder, anxiety, depression with a nervous disorder, with a side serving of PTSD. I’ll have the lot doc! The doctors would just keep giving me more medication upping the dosage with every episode I had. I was told I would just have a “hard life”. The first time I went to the doctor for being sad I was a young girl, he asked me for a breast examination. He told me I would get my period soon and that was it. The doctors always made me feel unheard and utterly desperate when they just dismissed me, telling me I smile way too much to be suicidal.
My mental health dramatically flared when I was younger, it was already on the decline but it kicked up the ante when I was a victim of a home invasion. Sadly, this wasn’t even the first time I had been robbed. I was living alone for the first time ever and I was vulnerable. I woke up to a flashlight shining in my eyes, I was naked and asleep with a foreign man in my bedroom. I must have startled awake because he ran out of the room. I fell back asleep. He crawled back in on all fours, he started to rummage through my bedside table. I awoke fully this time. I turned to him, scared and angry yelling out “oi, who the fuck are you” He looked straight into my eyes. We locked our gaze. His pupils were huge. He ran out of my room and darted through the house meeting up with someone else, they grabbed whatever they could and ran to the backyard to jump the fence. At that moment I went into fight or flight mode.
I was stuck in this continuous loop of not putting myself first and having weekly breakdowns. My actions and my morals were not matching. I didn’t like who I was and treated myself like shit. Self-sabotage seemed to be my life motto at this stage. Just drifting through life. I wanted to love and be loved so badly but gave absolutely none to myself. I stayed in relationships too long craving stability. I felt like I deserved to be cheated on. I thought I was such a burden that of course, I was hard to handle, what other choice did they have other than to cheat? It was obviously a ‘me’ problem because, well, I’m the diagnosed crazy one, right? I remember carving “dog” into my thigh to deal with the rejection. Hot damn son, the self-hate was heavy. Lucky, we get tattoos now.
I never gave myself any credit. I had been surrounded by so much death and pain, so many family members and friends passed away in these years. So many things to add on top of my plate that I simply just couldn’t process. Was this normal? So much tragedy and heartache, The things just kept adding together. The PTSD and grief just kept showing its ugly face. I was in constant meltdown mode. Instead of nurturing the pain, I felt, I told myself I was crazy. I was my own worst bully.
As an adult, I was ill on a daily basis and did nothing to care for myself. I was in a very co-dependent, unfaithful, and unstable relationship. It was also the deepest, most passionate, emotionally connected love I had ever experienced. I was more than in love but to the point of sickness. Our chemical connection was so powerful that I was sure he was the one. It was a dangerous connection that felt like an addiction. I always craved that forever love at any cost. Disney complex. Loyal to death just like my Mumma. My best and worst trait was killing me. I needed time to heal.
Years and years, different relationships, riddled with cheating and me having outbursts. Every time I would just take them back. Craving stability. To the point, my ex-boyfriend told me he got another woman pregnant. I reacted by hugging him and telling him it was okay. Losing it completely a week later, my mental health continued to deteriorate. Still, I decided to stay I couldn’t lose anyone else in my life. I couldn’t handle any more change I just wanted to feel stable.
My mental health slowly and surely got worse and worse, but I just couldn’t connect the dots. Other people I know had gone through much worse and they were fine. I was just a “sook” I would tell myself. Why couldn’t I keep a job? And live a normal life. I wanted to contribute too. Can’t I just be an alcoholic like everyone else ignore their problems and get through life with ease? Why did I have to feel every ounce of pain every day? I know I’m an empath but God damn it was too heavy.
Hot damn, I tried to numb out that darkness. I drank, I ate, I slept. Did drugs, had sex whenever I could. Then my baggage would show its ugly head in other ways, severe panic attacks, blackout anger, hives, mood swings, sickness, utter exhaustion. My body wouldn’t allow me to keep ignoring everything. It was in distress mode. The therapy and medication were just not working anymore. I didn’t want to be doped up or locked up.
The problem with that is, the more you ignore and suppress the problems. The more it comes out in other ways.
The nightmares started, sleep was such a huge relief from the daily sadness but now I would night after night have movies playing in my head that were so dark, so cruel, my innermost fears being played to me on a nightly basis. I would awake exhausted. The negative voice, while I was awake, wasn’t much better. It was a catch 22 to even be awake.
I moved away, isolated myself. In total denial. I was so determined to have kids and be loved that I overlooked everything else and focused on that. I wouldn’t give the love to myself so I’d create it. He knew I was doing it for the wrong reasons. I just wanted love. It had to come from me.
Then the police knocked at the door.
This wasn’t working anymore. Things had to change. The time is now.
I couldn’t continue ignoring everything. I needed to start listening to my body and my intuition.
I am not a victim; I am a warrior. So i changed my life and made it my version of amazing.
I’ve lived through my worst days and am so incredibly proud to have made it through. If I don’t like my circumstances ill change them. Self-care over self-sabotage is my new motto.
I needed to hug myself and stop being so hard on myself. That internal pressure and self-hate were so exhausting. It was time to give myself the credit I always gave others. I am now able to work and finally love myself. I am completely medication and anxiety-free. With thanks to my spirit guides, a great therapist and doctor, my crystals, and other spiritual tools I’ve lost over 20 kilos and quit smoking. But mostly I’m happy. I’m grateful to be here on earth now which is all that matters. Things can change. I’m the healthiest and happiest I’ve ever been. I’ve had to retrain the way my brain works because I don’t want to live a life in my comfort zone but one that is full of fun. Boundaries have been so essential with other people as I’ve learned who I am. I’m still learning every day and unlearning what doesn’t work for me anymore.
This page is a small portion of the work I’ve been doing on myself to rid myself of the old patterns and embrace change.
Healing isn’t overnight but I’d love to share my stories with you mainly to help others in their own struggles. My spirituality has grown in leaps and bounds and I’m keen to show you that side of me as well as the depths of my mental health journey, while I work through the shit show that is my shadow work. This page and website are for my Starseed brother and sisters who need help. You are not alone. It’s just one day at a time. Welcome to my page it has been a vulnerable, lonely journey that has blessed me so much. I couldn’t do it without you and my guides.
Thank you for supporting me. Big love oxo